Originally written: July 6th, 2023
Veterinary Conference - Auditorium 1
“Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats as we prepare our guest speaker with their presentation on new designer dog breeds,” an announcer says to a crowd of pet care professionals.
The crowd of veterinarians, technicians, groomers, nutritionists, and all types of pet care supporters slide down the aisle to sit in the auditorium chairs. Their murmurs of intrigue echo off the walls as they speculate what the presentation will discuss.
One doctor hypothesizes it will be about new techniques for promoting designer breed care. Another thinks it will be a pitch of adding a new dog into the designer breed category. Another suggests new information about genetics and hereditary health in a specific breed.
As the lights dim, the crowd’s murmurs quiet to a hush before silence.
A man in a lab coat walks onstage, his back upright with his glasses reflecting the spotlight on his face to obscure his eyes.
“Good afternoon everyone,” he says with a light tremble in his voice. “My name is Craig Everstone and I’m a, I have a Doctorate of genetic engineering from MIT, and I am a moderately successful dog breeder from Connecticut.”
Craig scans the room, taking a deep breath after his introduction before resetting his posture and continuing with slightly more energy to comfortably walk around the stage.
“It’s probably obvious to say, but I like dogs. I mean, I’m sure we all do, which is why we are all here today, to celebrate our unified love for puppies,” Craig chuckles.
Several members of the audience smile and give small laughs. Craig smiles, takes another deep breath, and continues.
“To be clear, I was never one for dramatic speeches or rousing a crowd. So, forgive me if I skip the grandeur and get the real reason we are here. Our generation has created some of the most famous dog breeds in human history. It’s almost impossible for any of us to look at a Goldendoodle, Maltipoo, Pomsky, or a Cavachon without breaking down and wanting to hug it. And while the French bulldog is not a designer breed, it is the most popular dog breed in America for the last 2 years.
But something in me always felt off. These breeds are cute, but they weren’t ‘perfect.’ They are all beautiful, but we can always make something more beautiful. Which is where I took my talents, found the best parts of the most popular dogs, and combined them into a dog breed that is the epitome of canine beauty.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you, the dog breed that will become the newest family favorite canine, Frankie, the CRAIG bulldog!”
Craig gestures his hands behind him as a curtain unveils his assistants holding a leash to a short, stubby, malformed bulldog. The crowd gasps as screens lining the room zoom in on the dog with almost no face.
“I was a little self-indulgent with the name but allow me to explain why this new breed is the pinnacle of canine beauty. The face is nearly completely hidden beneath a layer of skin, creating a squished appearance. When one squishes the area where the cheeks would be, you can clearly see the gentle eyes from the other side.
The mouth is located away from the facial cavern, underneath the dog to allow for easy eating and drinking. Frankie doesn’t need to eat meat like his ancestors, his teeth have been shaped to eat any kibble on the market. In fact, Frankie is one of the first canines without the need for canines!
These ear holes on the side of his head remove any risk of ear infection because there are no ear flaps to trap dirt or grime. And what cute animal wouldn’t be complete without a short-stubby tail?”
The audience clamors over themselves, trying to understand the unique physiology of the creature before them. The inward reverse face, no ears, broad front shoulders with short hind limbs with an elongated back with a downward lean toward the tail; the audience all raise their hands, shouting for Everstone for answers.
Craig and his assistants smile at one another, giving a small thumbs up before choosing an audience member in the front row to voice their question.
“Hi, Tabitha Hirsch DVM for over 20 years. How does Frankie see with his face squished in so far?”
“Excellent question. You see, I modified Frankie’s eyes so he can see about 3-5 feet in front of him, despite all the excess skin in the way. The protective inward face protects the delicate eyes from dirt and debris while giving him the bulldog breathing and squishy face everyone loves.”
Craig chooses another person in the third row, left corner.
“Hi, how does Frankie breathe if the nose is almost completely covered?”
“Ah, another good question. Frankie has a nose, but it’s mostly obsolete. He breathes completely through his mouth which is accessible from the underside, below the facial cavern.”
Craig's smile grows wider as he hears people commenting on the cute body structure, huffing, and rollie body as Frankie waddles around the stage. He picks another hand in the direct center of the crowd.
“You say this breed can eat anything? How did you do that?”
“Ah, not everything. Frankie’s modified stomach is capable of ingesting any dog food in kibble form. His teeth are perfectly formed to crush hard food for easy digestion. Additionally, his digestive system can take all the nutrients from kibble and leave behind minimal waste. He can eat as much as he wants, and you’ll only have to pick up pinky finger-sized poops!”
The assistant walks Frankie across the stage, his hindquarters wagging as people cheer over his unique strut.
“How easy is Frankie to train?”
“Great question! I’ve worked with several neurologists to ensure that the Craig Bulldog is one of the most docile animals on the planet. He doesn’t have claws or nails, no sharp teeth, no desire to chew or scratch or anything. He is hardwired to follow simple commands.
Which reminds me. This breed cannot naturally reproduce, so breeding will take some time. But thankfully, a mother can have a litter of up to 12 pups.”
The crowd cheers, awed as Frankie continues waddling across the stage with his long tongue nearly hitting the floor as it walks.
Craig picks another hand from the audience.
“Hi, Dr. Ian Ivo, how can you do this to a creature?”
“Excuse me,” Craig hesitates while adjusting his glasses as his smile steadily lowers.
“I said, how can you do this to an animal? I’ve been a veterinary for over 40 years, and I can tell you now that this dog will have dozens of health problems. You’re saying that this animal can’t see past 3 feet, it can’t smell, and can only eat processed foods with artificial nutrients and preservatives. Did you stretch the back out to make it longer and upright?”
“Yes, my assistants and I did studies and it showed people loved longer dogs that are still manageable sized.”
“What you’ve done was give this dog a higher chance to develop IVDD in its future. Its mouth is so low to the ground that its tongue is licking up dirt and grime from the floor. How will it survive if someone is walking it near a yard that has pesticides on it? It would kill the dog! How can you do something like this without considering the health risks? How long is the lifespan of a dog like that?”
“I thought I explained that earlier, I wanted to create a dog that was the pinnacle of beauty.”
“Is that beautiful to you?
One of the lab assistants looks down while the other looks at Frankie, wagging his hind to imitate wagging his tail.
“Yes, yes I do,” Craig certifies. “How about everyone else?”
The room cheers as the assistant holding Frankie parades him across the stage.
Dr. Ivo sighs, excusing himself through the chairs and talking out of the auditorium. The metal doors close behind him as he hears the roar of the crowd with murmurs of Dr. Everstone answering a question in the background.
“5 years.”
Dr. Ivo turns around and sees one of Dr. Everstone’s assistants standing down the hallway.
“You asked for Frankie’s lifespan. By 5 years old, his body will start breaking down because he can’t breathe to keep his heart going. If he survives that, his body will develop IVDD and be unable to walk. And if he lives through that, then he’ll die from malnutrition because he can’t process preservatives anymore as his organs deteriorate.”
“Is that any way for a dog to live,” Dr. Ivo asks.
The assistant pauses. “No. But do you hear them cheering? They don’t care. They think he’s cute and that’s all that matters.”
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